How to Kill Friends and Infect People
The days are getting shorter, the leaves are falling off the trees, and the elusive Question Mark is awakening from his summer-induced hibernation wherein he has communed with the cosmic forces that dictate the workings of our universe for a three-month poetry reading of the collected works of Leonard Nimoy. Now The Question Mark, blessed with nearly infinite knowledge and overly infinite b.s.-ery is here to answer your metaphysical, philosophical, and gastrointestinal questions. So buckle yourself down for some enlightenment; it’s going to be a rough one.
Dear Question Mark,
I have not frequented the site lately, but I came back and noticed that the menu options are on the left side of the screen now instead of the right. Why did you change it? That’s the kind of sneaky thing that happens when you are with a group of friends at a restaurant and order drinks, then you go to the bathroom and when you get back your coke suddenly has salt, creamer, or arsenic in it. “Did you put arsenic in my drink?”, you say when you see your friends faces trying to conceal their chuckles. “You did, didn’t you?” Still no response, so you take a drink of your lovely refreshing beverage, only to die 60 seconds later. So Question Mark I ask you, Did you put arsenic in my webpage?
Sincerely,
Murdered? in Mystery Novel
Dear Murdered,
I can understand your concern regarding arsenic in the website. I want to take this chance to let the entire internet (except those sick freaks down at NekkidMark.com) know that we here at ‘The Shrap’ take pride in the fact that the site is 100% arsenic-free, dolphin-safe, and entirely free of poisonous monkeys*.
However, your concern is not invalid, Murdered. The suspicion that one’s coke has been laced with salt, creamer, arsenic, or some other deadly poison is a common neurophysiological effect known as the “I have a suspicion that someone laced my coke with salt, creamer, arsenic, or some other deadly poison response” which was named after the psychologist that discovered it. Neuroscientists don’t agree on what causes the effect, but neuroscientists don’t really agree on anything. Neuroscientists gather every year at annual neuroscience conferences to disagree with each other and no one is allowed to go home until every single neuroscientist has disagreed with every other neuroscientist in the building. Getting the pizza order is a nightmare.
Luckily for you, devoted readers and victims of the Chilean penal system that have to read HatShrapnel as part of your sentence, The Question Mark knows exactly what causes this disturbing and complex effect: your friends don’t like you. Through years and years of closely monitoring and analyzing my own “friends”, I have unequivocally (which means unable to be equivoked) determined that all of my friends are jerks who laugh at me every time I fall down, hit myself, or am intentionally poisoned.
So don’t worry, Murdered. You’re probably not going crazy, there are just hundreds of people out there pretending to like you and waiting for an opportunity to kill you. The only healthy way to cope is to arm yourself and start taking shots whenever you are the slightest bit provoked. And give ‘em one for me.
Off to kill my friends,
-The Question Mark
We find ourselves at the end of another post, my friends. But The Question Mark is awake and hungry. Send him your questions or he will be forced to come to your house and eat you. Post a question in the comments and see how long you can avoid death in the belly of The Question Mark.
*Not actually free of poisonous monkeys.
sigh… having your drink salted really, really sucks.
That is not in the form of a question. Sorry, you lose.
why do you hate us?
who is this sad fellow? he seems brilliant!
Good question, Sad Face. The reason The Question Mark hates you is because you and Noogie are the same person and neither of you are brilliant. Thanks for the question.
yup, i do lose. thanks for rubbing it in. (sad face is right…..)
Again, not in the form of a question. Strike two.
Will arsenic or poisonous monkeys be involved in strike three?
One needs to be prepared for these things, the antidote for poisonous monkeys(Merry Marmosets) are quite hard to come by.
Merry Marmosets, despite the happy name, are anything but merry. The merry marmoset species (Merrius Marmosetilatinus) has been known to be able to strip the flesh to the bone of a poisonous monkey in under 3 minutes. However, in case of a poisonous monkey attack, it is important to NOT resort to merry marmosets: once they devour the monkeys, their attention will turn to you.
(Wearing a gas mask)
Are you my mummy?
If you don’t get this I’m not reading your website anymore.
Not only am I your mummy, but bananas are a good source of potassium.
Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks “Oh, this could be a little more sonic?”
“Go to your room!…. I’m really glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words.”
Mark, I came up with this new game that you can play with friends and family, alike. It is called “Staple Chicken!!!” (yes, say it with all three exclamation points). What you need to start is one of those industrial staplers used to bind 50 or more sheets of paper together, like what you find at the office…and a friend.
The way you play is you take your friend and sit him down with the stapler between you. Flip a coin to see who goes first, the loser has to stick his finger in the staple…aperture. The friends have to look each other in the eyes (if you look away, you almost certainly lose) and, well, whoever is quicker wins. Afterward, you probably don’t want to shake hands with the other guy, no matter what the outcome.
Alright, that is as far as I have gotten with the idea. Maybe there needs to be more of a carrot for the other guy, like if he depresses the stapler and misses the finger, two high current leads deliver a progressively stronger shock.
I anticipate the game will be very popular, right up there with pistol dueling, Russian Roulette, and swordplay for fun. Still, these are all outdoor activities (in the civilized world! good sir) and there are very few indoor alternatives, such as your Arsenic-in-the-drink game, for those frigid South Dakota winters.
Cheers!
I think John has way too much free time at work. I’d like to see a match between John and Mark! I’ll bring my camera and the carrot.
Well, as of six hours from now, I will be unemployed. Soon it will just be way too much free time. Yipee!
I call heads.
P.S. The carrot was a metaphor…for a taser.
Wouldn’t the arsenic technically have to be in the form of a salt to dissolve in water and be absorbed into your friends body? Gee, i’d hate to see a prank like that go horribly wrong if you used a type of heavy metal that wasn’t poisonous!
Ps nekkidmark.com is a big lie
There is no cake!
Aaaaanyway, this cake is great
It’s so delicious and moist!
Look at me still talking
when there’s science to do
…
And believe me I am
still alive
I’m doing science and I’m
still alive
I feel fantastic and I’m
still alive
Crazy freaking robot computers. Wow, anyone simultaneously reading AND understanding these posts is a geek, no matter how much time you spent in summer camp.
To be honest, anyone that has not only visited the Shrap but read down this far on the comments has only their geekhood to keep them warm at night.
Mark, you suck!