October 02, 2008
For those of you that don’t follow pirate news as closely as I do, you may not know that last Thursday three ships full of pirates (buckling their swashes, one would assume) hijacked a Ukrainian ship carrying 33 T-72 Soviet tanks and small arms off the coast of Somalia. I will wait while the full impact of that sinks in for you.
Pirates.
With tanks.
Soviet tanks.
Clearly, this is the coolest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world because somewhere out there is a real-life pirate sitting in a real-life tank.
Artist’s rendering of what pure awesome looks like.
If I understand the Law of Conservation of Coolness Momentum, on the directly opposite side of the Earth a ninja is playing a laser guitar while riding a T-rex. When they finally and inexorably meet in battle, we can take solace in the fact that at least the world will be destroyed in the coolest fashion imaginable.
September 05, 2008
The days are getting shorter, the leaves are falling off the trees, and the elusive Question Mark is awakening from his summer-induced hibernation wherein he has communed with the cosmic forces that dictate the workings of our universe for a three-month poetry reading of the collected works of Leonard Nimoy. Now The Question Mark, blessed with nearly infinite knowledge and overly infinite b.s.-ery is here to answer your metaphysical, philosophical, and gastrointestinal questions. So buckle yourself down for some enlightenment; it’s going to be a rough one.
Dear Question Mark,
I have not frequented the site lately, but I came back and noticed that the menu options are on the left side of the screen now instead of the right. Why did you change it? That’s the kind of sneaky thing that happens when you are with a group of friends at a restaurant and order drinks, then you go to the bathroom and when you get back your coke suddenly has salt, creamer, or arsenic in it. “Did you put arsenic in my drink?”, you say when you see your friends faces trying to conceal their chuckles. “You did, didn’t you?” Still no response, so you take a drink of your lovely refreshing beverage, only to die 60 seconds later. So Question Mark I ask you, Did you put arsenic in my webpage?
Sincerely,
Murdered? in Mystery Novel
Dear Murdered,
I can understand your concern regarding arsenic in the website. I want to take this chance to let the entire internet (except those sick freaks down at NekkidMark.com) know that we here at ‘The Shrap’ take pride in the fact that the site is 100% arsenic-free, dolphin-safe, and entirely free of poisonous monkeys*.
However, your concern is not invalid, Murdered. The suspicion that one’s coke has been laced with salt, creamer, arsenic, or some other deadly poison is a common neurophysiological effect known as the “I have a suspicion that someone laced my coke with salt, creamer, arsenic, or some other deadly poison response” which was named after the psychologist that discovered it. Neuroscientists don’t agree on what causes the effect, but neuroscientists don’t really agree on anything. Neuroscientists gather every year at annual neuroscience conferences to disagree with each other and no one is allowed to go home until every single neuroscientist has disagreed with every other neuroscientist in the building. Getting the pizza order is a nightmare.
Luckily for you, devoted readers and victims of the Chilean penal system that have to read HatShrapnel as part of your sentence, The Question Mark knows exactly what causes this disturbing and complex effect: your friends don’t like you. Through years and years of closely monitoring and analyzing my own “friends”, I have unequivocally (which means unable to be equivoked) determined that all of my friends are jerks who laugh at me every time I fall down, hit myself, or am intentionally poisoned.
So don’t worry, Murdered. You’re probably not going crazy, there are just hundreds of people out there pretending to like you and waiting for an opportunity to kill you. The only healthy way to cope is to arm yourself and start taking shots whenever you are the slightest bit provoked. And give ‘em one for me.
Off to kill my friends,
-The Question Mark
We find ourselves at the end of another post, my friends. But The Question Mark is awake and hungry. Send him your questions or he will be forced to come to your house and eat you. Post a question in the comments and see how long you can avoid death in the belly of The Question Mark.
*Not actually free of poisonous monkeys.
August 17, 2008
I look forward to death. I haven’t gone emo on you, I just want to hurry up and get to the afterlife. My plan is to start a career as an observational humorist. I’ve already started working on my routine:
“You know what sucked? Life. Boy, was that whole thing a drag, am I right? And what was the deal with the concept of personal property? Were we nuts!?! And do you know what turned out to be a really bad idea? Pants. Remember pants? Haha, those were crazy. What were we thinking? Really. And, of course, we all know what the biggest joke of them all ended up being, right? That’s right, the light at the end of the tunnel. The Big Guy was just having fun with some of the predeceased, shining a flashlight, whispering “Walk into the light,” then sending them back to the Big Boring to tell the other ‘mortality challenged’ their amazing story. Haha, I see you laughing back there, Big Guy. Good one, Sir. Well, you’ve been a wonderful audience, thanks for coming out and spending a part of your eternity with me this evening. Fly home safely and remember to tip your angels. Good night.”
August 12, 2008
Parents lie.
When you’re a kid they tell you that the wolfman isn’t hiding in your closet. They tell you that the dentist isn’t going to hurt you. They tell you that 38 people won’t be bitten by vampire bats and die a slow and painful death from an unidentified disease.
And you grow up believing these things. You go on with your life, day to day, believing this FANTASY WORLD your parents concocted. Then you discover that 38 people were recently bitten by vampire bats and died a slow and painful death from an unidentified disease that causes paralysis and an extreme fear of water and your happy little world is shattered forever. A disease passed onto people from vampire bats that causes an extreme fear of water? What?!? Is it, perhaps, holy water specifically that the victims fear? This is clearly not part of the logical, sensible world my parents tried to sell me.
And this is not the only time my parents lied to me. In fact, I found that the only person in the world I could trust to always tell me the truth was Freddie Johnson. Frieddie Johnson was our fourth-grade equivalent of the Dalai Lama, a playground guru. Freddie knew everything. He knew what the parents didn’t want us to know and he dispensed his forbidden knowledge for the price of the asking. During recess students could be seen making the pilgrimage to the top of the jungle gym where Freddie sat, achieving transcendence to the next grade, to ask the burning questions of our generation.
Here are some of pearls of wisdom I learned from Freddie that have proved true as I’ve grown up:
- Babies are not brought by storks to a loving mommy and daddy, but are instead delivered through a process that is disturbingly reminiscent of a scene from Alien.
- Hard work is for suckers.
- Brushing your teeth after every meal causes tooth erosion.
- Santa Claus is not real.
- Santa Claus may not be real, but scary, old men can and do break into your house during the night all the time and can kill you in your sleep.
- It is actually NOT going to be alright.
- Morals can be inconvenient.
- Despite what my mother tells me, girls do NOT care more about personality and substance than looks. In fact, the main attribute girls look for in a guy is “not you, Mark”.
I am convinced that if Freddie would have stayed the course as a wellspring of intellectual enlightenment instead of drinking that bottle of puddle water on a bet in fifth grade and ending up in the hospital , we would be colonizing the surface of Pluto today and he clearly would have been able to foretell the vampire bat disaster of ‘08. His bright, shining light burned out too quickly, but I will always retain what I learned from him. And I will ALWAYS check my closet at night, mom, because the wolfman has to sleep somewhere.
July 24, 2008
You know that guy that sees Superman coming and yells, “It’s a bird!”? He is way too excited for a guy that thinks he’s just seen a bird.
June 12, 2008
I have had this stupid joke in my head for years, as I’m sure a million math geeks have before me, but if I don’t get it out of my head and up here today I’m honestly concerned that my head will explode.
June 01, 2008
Adding to the long list of reasons no one will ride with me in the comments of the last post is this little quirk: when I spot a massive, ugly, white spider (the evilest color for a spider to be) next to my hand on the steering wheel I do not swat him away as a normal person might. And I don’t jump back in terror and scream like a little girl as most of you might suppose. I don’t even acknowledge the spider with a cordial, “Hello, spider. How are you this beautiful evening?” like you would expect from a mentally unstable person such as myself. No. Due to a disconnection in my brain between what is appropriate and useful behavior and what should be done, my first response is to calmly but determinedly slam my foot on the accelerator causing my vehicle to spin out for several seconds then slingshot down the street at speeds appropriate for the space shuttle. I can only assume that my subconscious was attempting to put some distance between myself and where I ran into the offending arachnid.
I have prepared this Venn diagram to illustrate a point that should not be taken lightly by anyone who ever spends time in my company.
May 18, 2008
An excerpt of a random conversation I had with my best friend, Dan, in my car during a thunderstorm…
Me: “…and that’s why people are generally safe in their cars during a thunderstorm. The metal frame around them creates a Farady cage which distributes the charge around the outside of the car, leaving the people inside unharmed - it has nothing to do with the rubber tires. We are practically invincible in here. Blaspheme all you want, God can’t do a thing.”
Dan: (Slowly looks up and pokes convertible top with his finger.) “Isn’t this cloth?”
(We both laugh. Nervously.)
Everyone will be glad to know that I have since bought a completely metal truck and no longer fear retribution from a wrathful God whilst driving to work. Now my only fear while driving to work is arriving safely.
